Thursday, January 15, 2015

Beauty, brains, and babies

That should be the name of my new blog. After 3 kids, I tell ya, I feel like I'm nowhere near milf status and my brain is mush. To top it all off, I feel an emotional wreck. I just had my 3rd kid in November and according to my therapist, I might have post partum depression. I didn't even know such a thing was possible after having 3 kids... but maybe I do. Regardless, I've decided I'm going to be vocal about it and not live in shame over it. My 3rd kid wasn't planned. So unplanned that I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 4 months along. My second child was about 10 months old at that time. I felt guilt (that I was taking my daughter's childhood away), shame (that I was being irresponsible- but we were being careful, I swear we were- condoms every time and I was breastfeeding like crazy), and shock. Mainly shock. And according to my therapist- grief. Grief. It's such a funny thing. Cause really I don't know what I'm grieving. Perhaps it's the dreams I had because I don't even know what those are at the moment. Maybe I'm grieving enjoying watching my daughter grow up and giving her the attention she needs without having her feel like she's always competing for it. It could be the sleep I was used to getting. Or the free time I had to go to dinner with friends, get a mani and pedi, or simply devote precious me time to my mommy bank so that I could come home and be amazing to my little ones. Those all seem so far and distant at the moment. Cause sometimes, all I can think about is how this is not how I pictured my life. Most def not living in yoga pants with a throw up stained shirt, unmanicured nails, bulging dark under eye circles, unbrushed hair, but most certainly not with 3 little kids always demanding something from me- whether it be my boobs, a drink, a hug. Something. There is always something. I am not crazy. I believe I am far from it. I would never do anything to harm my children. They are the loves of my life. I am just sad. Overwhelmed. Anxiety ridden. I am not looking for pity. I know this is my situation. And I know I should be grateful. But it's tough. Oh, is it tough! xoxo, Erika