My life has suddenly taken on a new turn. Brand new journey. Brand new life. Still me... or an evolving version of me. I guess it's not a new turn, considering this has been going on for a while. It's just fairly new that I'm announcing it- without feeling shame or guilt.
15 years, 3 kids, 1 affair. A broken marriage, a shattered family. It certainly hasn't been an easy few months. So many emotions, memories, fears, and doubts circling through my head. I can easily say that this has been a gift- one that's not wrapped up in a pretty package, but rather in a messy and ugly one. However, despite that, it's still a gift. There's amazing things coming- no matter how scared I am. I just need to try and make sense of all of this the best way I know how, while also trying to figure out my single self.
So with that, here's 10 things about me...
1.) I got married at 22 to the first boy I've ever had a serious relationship with. In hindsight, I wouldn't do it again. I didn't know who I was at 22, and now at 34 I'm having to try and figure it out, all while raising 3 kids. I wish we waited and took our time. However, that is not the case, and here I am.
2.) I always planned my life out. To my dismay, things certainly don't work out according to plan. I was going to be married at 25, have my first kid by 27, and be something great. Now, I'm 34 and I'm a stay at home mom with a part time job. Yay me!
3.) When I was younger, I wanted to be a nun who wore high heels, red lipstick, and smoked cigarettes.
Now, I rarely wear high heels. Red lipstick on occassion and cigarettes since I learned of his affair. Bad habit, I know. I do need to quit... eventually.
4.) I have never been more in love with my body than I am now. I'm not perfect by any means, 3 babies certainly doesn't make for a flab free body, but I'm thick AF- and I wouldn't have it any other way. I like lifting heavy weights, having the gym as my second home, and really challenging myself in such a way where I compete with myself. Yet, despite my love for my body, in my head, I will always be the fat girl. Years f being fat as a kid really does a number on a person's self- esteem, and mine is definitely fucked from that. However, there are days when I feel like I'm MILF status. #winning
5.) I have abandonment issues. I know you're thinking I'm lovelier and lovelier every time I type a fact about myself, but just keeping it real. I'm a hot mess, but this is my life. My dad left when I was 7. I saw him again when he was dying when I was 25. I've always been afraid that people would just leave or that I wasn't worthy enough to be fought for, mainly because my own father couldn't stay. Life will put you in these endless situations until you learn your fucking lesson... thankfully, I am finally making a breakthrough.... which leads me to the next fact...
6.) I am learning to love myself. That is definitely my biggest breakthrough. I am learning to see the value in me- and that I should definitely be fought for and I'm worth sticking around for. I'm funny, straightforward, giving, kind, loving, and so many other things. Yet despite the fact that I am on this self-love journey, I am still very much afraid to trust and love another person. Mainly because I don't want the same ending, and clearly I have trust issues.
7.) My daughter is my mini- me and I couldn't be prouder. She is sassy, fierce, and full of life. I know that one day, some amazing boy will love and appreciate her for who she is, and she will never have to apologize for who she is.
8.) Dating sucks. I mean, it's fun getting to know and meeting other people, but it's also shitty. I look at the quality of guys out there, and my first thought definitely is, "If this is what's out there, I would much rather be alone." I'm sure that amongst these nasty and ugly frogs there is a handsome prince waiting to be discovered- I just don't know if I'm up for the challenge of looking for him. I may have found one though, but it is still too soon to be determined. Goodness knows I don't even want to like him (refer back to number 6). And I don't even know if he likes me. See what I mean? Dating sucks- all the uncertainty, all the unknowns, the nervousness, the putting your heart out there only to be stomped on- FUCK MY LIFE! At the end of the day, I just want someone who will love me, be my partner, make me laugh, and accept me for who I am- faults and all- oh! and he must love kids cause I've got 3. Is that too much to fucking ask for? Maybe. Especially since no one fights for shit anymore. Pack up and leave when shit gets tough... welcome to 2017. Again, FML!
9.) I love doughnuts, burgers, and pizza. Hence why I will always be the fat girl (in my head). I like to joke that I work out so I can eat. Sometimes I don't feel like its's a joke though. Here's another freebie fact- I like wearing BLACK. All black errrrything. I hate it when my black doesn't match though.
10.) I am incredibly grateful for my girlfriends and family. A few days ago, someone pointed out that I had a ton of friends. That sentiment has been in my mind ever since. He's absolutely correct and there's nothing more that makes me happy besides my kids than this. My girlfriends, when I finally decided to be vulnerable and let them in, are the family that I have chosen. They check on me, care for me, and most importantly love and accept me as I am. They have been there for me through tears, heartache, and joy... and I know that they won't jump ship no matter how tough shit gets. Most importantly- they love my kids like they are their own. Thank goodness for my tribe.
Monday, March 27, 2017
Thursday, January 15, 2015
That should be the name of my new blog. After 3 kids, I tell ya, I feel like I'm nowhere near milf status and my brain is mush. To top it all off, I feel an emotional wreck. I just had my 3rd kid in November and according to my therapist, I might have post partum depression. I didn't even know such a thing was possible after having 3 kids... but maybe I do. Regardless, I've decided I'm going to be vocal about it and not live in shame over it. My 3rd kid wasn't planned. So unplanned that I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 4 months along. My second child was about 10 months old at that time. I felt guilt (that I was taking my daughter's childhood away), shame (that I was being irresponsible- but we were being careful, I swear we were- condoms every time and I was breastfeeding like crazy), and shock. Mainly shock. And according to my therapist- grief. Grief. It's such a funny thing. Cause really I don't know what I'm grieving. Perhaps it's the dreams I had because I don't even know what those are at the moment. Maybe I'm grieving enjoying watching my daughter grow up and giving her the attention she needs without having her feel like she's always competing for it. It could be the sleep I was used to getting. Or the free time I had to go to dinner with friends, get a mani and pedi, or simply devote precious me time to my mommy bank so that I could come home and be amazing to my little ones. Those all seem so far and distant at the moment. Cause sometimes, all I can think about is how this is not how I pictured my life. Most def not living in yoga pants with a throw up stained shirt, unmanicured nails, bulging dark under eye circles, unbrushed hair, but most certainly not with 3 little kids always demanding something from me- whether it be my boobs, a drink, a hug. Something. There is always something. I am not crazy. I believe I am far from it. I would never do anything to harm my children. They are the loves of my life. I am just sad. Overwhelmed. Anxiety ridden. I am not looking for pity. I know this is my situation. And I know I should be grateful. But it's tough. Oh, is it tough! xoxo, Erika